Writer's Block: Go it alone
9 Dec 2009 10:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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"How does social pressure happen?"
and
"If you perceive social pressure, what do you do?"
and
"Do you have ways to defend against uncomfortable social pressure? What are they?"
When I was in my mid-20s and single, I felt that society wasn't set up to support single people, and I felt pressure to be in a relationship. But part of this pressure was internal -- I longed to be in a relationship. So I think I was more sensitive to societal emphasis on relationships because it triggered my longing.
When I was 29-30 and single, there was a point where things shifted. I still wanted to be a relationship but I stopped being unhappy about being single. Part of the reason for the change was that for a while I was in a not-great relationship, so I had learned that I'd rather be single than in a not-great relationship. I also felt that I had access to a variety of supports and activities that welcomed single people.
I have never felt social pressure to have children. I know a lot of people do so I'm not sure how I missed it. I wonder if in this case, too, personal desire and social pressure are interacting, because I have never longed for children. So am I somehow less sensitive to the societal pressure because I don't have personal longings?
Another factor is that in my family of origin, a number of my cousins (who are all older than me) didn't have children. I gather that this was a deliberate choice in at least some cases, as opposed to lack of a suitable opportunity. So I think my family of origin didn't include the expectation that everyone would have children, which probably reduced my sensitivity to social pressure from elsewhere.
There's a certain feeling I have gotten sometimes when hanging around with people in relationships (when I was single) and people with children. It's that sometimes people with families are kind of wrapped up in their family experience and sometimes they don't make a lot of effort to connect with people who don't share those experiences.
When I was younger, this felt like ostracism. But now it feels more like a sort of ordinary, expected self-centeredness. That is, I believe most people aren't especially interested in connecting with people who don't share their experiences, and so they aren't very good at it. They'd rather connect with people who do share their experiences. I'm often this way too so I can't fault people for it.
I haven't ever felt that these pressures are worse around the holidays for me. But then again, holidays were generally a pretty low-key event for my immediate family. We didn't travel to visit other relatives or have relatives visiting us, and there were only 3 of us. So I don't think I developed expectations that the holidays were supposed to be a particular way and that they were supposed to include loads of family. My family of origin tended to be a little nontraditional about holidays, especially when I was away at college and after -- for example we'd declare that Christmas was going to be in January so we could skip the holiday air traffic.
As a single person or a person living far away from my blood family, I always had friends who were happy to invite me to their family celebrations, and I enjoyed that.
The weirdest part of the holidays for me when I was single was feeling like I ought to decorate but also not feeling like decorating and/or not knowing how to decorate, because I had become a pagan and didn't celebrate Christmas (for myself) any more. I eventually hit on putting up a pentacle of white lights. Then soon after that I got involved with the OH, who doesn't want any decorations during the holidays. That was OK with me.
Do you think society puts too much pressure on people to be in relationships and/or have children? Do you think this ostracizes people who would be perfectly content to remain single and/or child-free? Is this pressure worse around the holidays?More interesting questions:
"How does social pressure happen?"
and
"If you perceive social pressure, what do you do?"
and
"Do you have ways to defend against uncomfortable social pressure? What are they?"
When I was in my mid-20s and single, I felt that society wasn't set up to support single people, and I felt pressure to be in a relationship. But part of this pressure was internal -- I longed to be in a relationship. So I think I was more sensitive to societal emphasis on relationships because it triggered my longing.
When I was 29-30 and single, there was a point where things shifted. I still wanted to be a relationship but I stopped being unhappy about being single. Part of the reason for the change was that for a while I was in a not-great relationship, so I had learned that I'd rather be single than in a not-great relationship. I also felt that I had access to a variety of supports and activities that welcomed single people.
I have never felt social pressure to have children. I know a lot of people do so I'm not sure how I missed it. I wonder if in this case, too, personal desire and social pressure are interacting, because I have never longed for children. So am I somehow less sensitive to the societal pressure because I don't have personal longings?
Another factor is that in my family of origin, a number of my cousins (who are all older than me) didn't have children. I gather that this was a deliberate choice in at least some cases, as opposed to lack of a suitable opportunity. So I think my family of origin didn't include the expectation that everyone would have children, which probably reduced my sensitivity to social pressure from elsewhere.
There's a certain feeling I have gotten sometimes when hanging around with people in relationships (when I was single) and people with children. It's that sometimes people with families are kind of wrapped up in their family experience and sometimes they don't make a lot of effort to connect with people who don't share those experiences.
When I was younger, this felt like ostracism. But now it feels more like a sort of ordinary, expected self-centeredness. That is, I believe most people aren't especially interested in connecting with people who don't share their experiences, and so they aren't very good at it. They'd rather connect with people who do share their experiences. I'm often this way too so I can't fault people for it.
I haven't ever felt that these pressures are worse around the holidays for me. But then again, holidays were generally a pretty low-key event for my immediate family. We didn't travel to visit other relatives or have relatives visiting us, and there were only 3 of us. So I don't think I developed expectations that the holidays were supposed to be a particular way and that they were supposed to include loads of family. My family of origin tended to be a little nontraditional about holidays, especially when I was away at college and after -- for example we'd declare that Christmas was going to be in January so we could skip the holiday air traffic.
As a single person or a person living far away from my blood family, I always had friends who were happy to invite me to their family celebrations, and I enjoyed that.
The weirdest part of the holidays for me when I was single was feeling like I ought to decorate but also not feeling like decorating and/or not knowing how to decorate, because I had become a pagan and didn't celebrate Christmas (for myself) any more. I eventually hit on putting up a pentacle of white lights. Then soon after that I got involved with the OH, who doesn't want any decorations during the holidays. That was OK with me.